Monthly Archives: October 2009

I Wish I Knew

I have this niece, this blond-haired niece.  As an infant, toddler and preschooler, she attended the child care program I directed.  She cried a lot in child care, that first year.  I carried her around with me, sometimes for a good part of the day, leaving my work unfinished.  This was in the days before my son was born, so I was able to stay late, after the center was closed and get my work done.  It was worth it though, to have that time with my niece.  To comfort her and let her know she was safe in the crazy place that is child care. 

I saw this blond-haired niece every day at school until she moved on to kindergarten.  By then I had my own son and I just didn’t see my niece as much.  I managed to stay close with her, though and my boy and her spent some good times together.

This year, for the first time ever, I do not know what this niece will be for Halloween.  I cannot call her up or email her and ask.  I cannot even ask her if, at nearly 12 years old,  maybe she is too big to trick-or-treat this year.    

Why?  Because my sister does not speak to me. 

The issues between my sister and I are not for me to write about here.  Because they are just that:  between my sister and I. 

But I have no issues with this blond-haired niece.  None at all.  Yet, I cannot ask her what she’ll be for Halloween.

The feelings I have about the issues between my sister and I are many, and of course sadness is mixed in there.  The feelings I have about not being able to talk to this niece, to find out what she is doing?  ONLY sadness.  More sadness than I can even write about.


I wish I knew what she was doing for Halloween this year.  Really, I do.


What I Wanted To Say/What I Said Instead

What I wanted to say to the kindergarten teacher who shook her head in disgust when she saw me in the office (during lunch recess) with one of her students who had an accident and needed to change her clothes:

“She’s five years old!  FIVE!  She’s still new to kindergarten.  And she said she told you she had to go to the bathroom in class but you told her, “Not now.”  She doesn’t have the planning skills to remember to always go at recess.  Because SHE’S FIVE!  None of your kids ever had an accident?  Or just made a mistake?  Because THEY WERE FIVE?!”

What I said instead:

“I’ll walk her back to class when she’s done.”

What I wanted to say to Mean Kindergarten Teacher (not the one just mentioned) when I saw her in the copy room as I was signing in one morning:

“So, Mean Kindergarten Teacher, how many kids are you going to yell at and  treat poorly today?  How many adults will you degrade and make feel like crap?  And how do you not feel guilty for doing this at the end of your day?  Because if I were you, I wouldn’t really be able to live with myself or call myself any kind of teacher.  My opinion (not that you would ever ask for it)?  Kindergarten teacher was NOT a good choice for you when you were deciding on a career.  Guess it’s too late now!” 

What I said instead:

“Good morning, Mrs. T!”

What I wanted to say to the husband when he said I didn’t have to drive across town just to pick something up for him, he was sure I had plenty of other things to do:

“I NEED A BREAK!  DON’T YOU?!  I know it’s not your fault that the economy sucks and you have been out of work for more than three months, but being together EVERY FREAKIN’ MINUTE except for when I’m at work is wearing me down!  Some couples can be together 24/7, but we?  Are not one of those couples!  Or, at least I am not one of those people!  Maybe you are, but I?  Am not that strong!  So the half hour it will take me to drive  to/back from the other side of town?  May be the only break I can get for a while.  Love you!  Bye!”

What I said instead:

“Oh, it’s no problem, honey.  I got nothing but time!”

What I wanted to say to the boy when he said, as he often says,  “Did you know you’re the best mom?”:

“Did you know you’re the best kid?  You are THE BEST THING that has ever happened to me!  You make me laugh every day and being a mother to you is THE BEST THING I’ve ever done!  Love you, man!” 

What I said instead:

“Did you know you’re the best kid?  You are THE BEST THING that has ever happened to me!  You make me laugh every day and being a mother to you is THE BEST THING I’ve ever done!  Love you, man!”

Well, at least I got the last one right.